riddle me this...
back to envy...

life is not easy...

and it's definitely not for the timid. everyone has a past. things that stab them right between the eyes. old grudges. old shame. regrets that steal your sleep and leave you awake until you fear for your own sanity. betrayals that make your soul scream so loud you wonder why no one else hears it. in the end, we are all alone in that private hell. but life isn't about learning to forgive those who have hurt you or forgetting your past. it's about learning to forgive yourself for being human and making mistakes. yes, people disappoint us all the time. but the harshest lessons come when we disappoint ourselves. when we put our trust and our hearts into the hands of the wrong person and they do us wrong. and while we may hate them for what they did, the one we hate most is ourself for allowing them into our private circle. how could i have been so stupid? how could i let them deceive me? we all go through that. it's humanity's brotherhood of misery.

so how do we find peace again when we have wronged ourselves and others?

if we're lucky, we find the one person who will hold our trust and keep it sacred and safe against all attackers. that one soul who will restore our belief that people are decent and kind, and that life, while messy, is still the most wondrous gift anyone can know. but until that day comes, we have to try and remember that home isn't a specific place or person. it's a feeling we carry inside ourselves. that touch of the divine that lights a fire inside us that burns out the past and consumes the pain until nothing is left but a warmth that allows us to love others more than we love ourselves. a warmth that only grows when we do right even while others seek to do us wrong. peace is knowing that one life, no matter how trivial it seems, touches thousands of others, and learning to respect that about all people. while you may not mean much to the world, to those who really know and love you, you are their entire world. and it is the knowledge that no one can hurt you unless you allow them to. the only power they have isn't something they've taken or demanded. it's what we give them by choice. and while it is imperative that we value the lives of others, it is equally important to value our own.

the truth is always simple, but the path to is is overgrown with thorns and lined with traps. our fears and our emotions cloud even the brightest day and the clearest truth. talk is cheap, but actions are bloody. you can't plant the garden until you've overturned the soil. and nothing new can grow until the old dies. lay your past to rest so that your future can grow unimpeded by those ghosts. we can't change what we've done, but we can always change what we're going to do.

that is also from the this book:


and again, i know...it's a dark hunter novel...but this novel is also very ensconced with cherokee lore...and if you really know me, you know that i love cherokee lore...after all...my great great grandfather was a cherokee chief...chief whooping crane...i have family that walked the trail of tears, gentle reader.

but back to that passage...

i think about those harsh lessons i am currently dealing with...letting people in my life that i knew, i just knew, should not have been. and now, i am left to deal with the fallout of that decision. and believe me, it is not easy and it is messy. sometimes i truly wish for a mulligan [ ya know, a do over in golf ] and go back in time to be able to keep those doors closed that should not have been opened. to not open myself up to the hurt, disappointment and anger. to just bypass it all. but i also understand that i am the person i am today because of the road i have traveled this far in my life...without that strife, who knows who i would be right now!

i don't use the word hate lightly. and i would not use the hate to describe my feelings as this passage does...neither do i hate myself nor do i hate them.

i do know that i have found my one true soulmate in kiroman and he has found his in me, trophy wife. just try to attack him on my watch and see what that will get you! i have his back and he definitely has mine...then when you throw teen ager into the mix...you better watch out for realz!

one thing i can say about our family...we have never forgotten where we came from, how we got here and who helped us. my heart is full of gratitude for each and every person that has helped us in any way. i can only wish that other's hearts were filled with such gratefulness but sadly, i know far too many that have forgotten where they came from, how they started and who helped them along the way. those same people that trample others to get to where they want to be. the same people that are willing to use and abuse relationships to get what they want.

know one thing about me: if i am your friend, i am your friend for life. i am loyal til the end. your enemies are mine. i have your back. i will not walk on top of you to get to where i want to go. but i sure as hell will hold your hand and bring you along the journey with me, friend!

i am grateful:

  • for an awesome weather day
  • to have the time to kick back and finish my book today
  • to have gotten a few loads of laundry done
  • to have my inbox cleaned out!!
  • for sleeping doolittles

just breathing isn't living!


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