gentle reader,

lest you truly believe i live the life of riley, living la vida loca, spending my days like the rich and famous...

please, allow me the opportunity to divulge this wonderful life i live, each day, in reality.

on july 28, 2018, kirofamily headed out to re-charge our batteries for a week.

during our layover, i received a phone call from our house/critter sitter.

let me explain: she NEVER calls. NEVER. when her name is on my calling id, i panic before i answer.

i reiterate: she never calls when we are out of town.

unless...

there is an emergency.

how the hell could there be an emergency when we left the house only a few short hours earlier?

very long, long, long, long story as short as possible:

our 28 year old horse, red, was sick. really sick. and he was fine the day before. i swear it.

but here's the thing with red, he is a stoic old man. he never shows you his pain and discomfort until it's almost too late.

she told me what was going on and not going on and i told her to go ahead and call the vet.

the vet did, indeed, come out and examine the old man. The decision was made to oil him and give him some electrolytes, watch him over night andre-evaluate in the morning.

well, sunday came around and there was not much change so the decision was made to get him to vet clinic as quickly as possible.

which posed a problem in and of itself as we no longer own a freaking horse trailer. gawd, we own horses but no trailer...how freaking lame is that?

so, on saturday, i knew this was a possibility so i started making calls to arrange red’s uber ride to the clinic.

i connected our critter sitter with the uber driver and let them coordinate with the vet.

all in all, red spent 11 ELEVEN days at the vet clinic. off all feed for 3 days, refusing water so he had to have iv fluids and electrolytes. 24/7 watch since he was not eating or pooping or peeing like he should be.

the critter sitter was a gem. she went to the clinic every single day he was there. she didn’t want him to think he had been abandoned. she even walked him!

turns out, red had contracted habronema and had an ulcer or whatever you want to call it on the end of his penis. yikes!

what this means: it hurt to pee. so he didn’t drink. Which means that he became impacted and wasn’t pooping. perhaps we should have caught it sooner. but he’s weird about drinking. always has been. even on hot days he might not drink an entire bucket between feedings. i keep a pony-sized salt brick in his grain bucket to encourage more water drinking.

so now that we know what is causing this issue...it has to be treated.

so for the first 14 days he’s at home, i am lucky enough to have to put a steroid cream on the end of penis.

if you do not not horse penis anatomy, let me enlighten you!

there is the sheath...which is the outside part you see. The penis is actually the part that they “drop” out and pee from. unless horses are sedated, they don’t normally just drop their johnson out for you inspect. and it makes zero sense to sedate him every day in order to make it easier to reach the affected area.

what does that mean for this trophy wife? every morning i get to don a pair of latex gloves that barely cover my wrist, grab a glob of steroid cream, grab a hold of the sheath, open that baby up and plunge my hand into the caverns of his once reproductive system. then i get to poke around until i find the little joey pouch and reach a little further to hunt around for the tip of his johnson, all the while hoping i don’t lost the steroid glob along the way and have to start this process over...heaven forbid!

and let me remind you that my gloves barely go past my wrist. by the time i'm done, more than my wrist has disappeared into his bits...like half way to my elbow, gentle reader!

i have to say, this guy handles my invading hand like a champ!

i can tell you that i feel his pain and humiliation as i have spent my share of time at the ob-gyn. i have a pretty good idea how he feels about a foreign object being shoved somewhere it shouldn't belong.

as of today, i have three more days until the vet comes out for a re-check.

let's hope the exam comes out positive this week, ok? i would really appreciate all your good vibes!

ps...you can thank me now for not posting any pictures of this particular part of my life of riley. however, i do reserve the right to change my mind and let you join me ;)

i am grateful:

• for an incredible friend that doubles as my critter sitter
• for another incredible friend that interrupted her weekend to help us out
• for an awesome vet clinic that helped us out again
• for all of these people allowing us to finish out our vacation
• for the awesome people we met during our week away...and always asked how the horse was doing

just breathing isn't living!

sincerely,